yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
