Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
