I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
love makes seman taste better
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
3 2 1 whiskey
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
