I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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