When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
