Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
