i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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