Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
