9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
