my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Quick, to the slutcave!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
