UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Are my feet made of real feet?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
