THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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