true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
