Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
