My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
