i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
