Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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