Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
