she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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