between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
