i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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