Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
