I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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