Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
