I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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