girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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