i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
