one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
