Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
