Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation