Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
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It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it