I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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