I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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