Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
