this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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