So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need a beard to bite.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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