why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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