She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
