chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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