I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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