He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
