I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
