Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
