I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
