im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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