Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
