i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
