I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
