she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
