I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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