Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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