Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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