If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
