On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
