Swine flu. Run for my life!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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